Whoopi: I don’t think we should jump to conclusions about this Belichick kid. There’s one thing that nobody else is talking about that I want to bring up.
Those Other Crazy Bitches on The View: What’s that, Whoopi?
Whoopi: His upbringing. He really doesn’t think anything of it, because it is part of his upbringing. Where he comes from, cheating is part of the cultural fabric. All he’s known his whole life is “bending” the rules to gain an advantage.
OCBOTV: Where is he from, Whoopi? Tell us, where?
Whoopi: (dramatic pause) The Deep South.
OCBOTV: (Collective gasp. Nod heads knowingly, pitifully)
Whoopi: (In hushed, wise tone) That’s right, girls. Bill Belichick is from Nashville, Tennessee. Where they beat black people with whips, fight dogs to the death and cheat at football, all in the name of GOD. It’s just like burning witches in Salem, it’s accepted as part of life . . .
Thunder . . . Lightning . . . a huge head appears, levitating over the set.
Jesus Winfrey: Hold on a minute there, bitches!
Whoopi, OCBOTV: Oh my God! It’s Jesus Winfrey! Aaaaaaaaaaaahh! (They bow to the ground, avert eyes.) What brings you here, Jesus?
Jesus Winfrey: What’s all this horseshit about Belichick and Nashville?
Whoopi: (Stammering) Uh . . .I looked it up. Bill Belichick is from Nashville. That’s the Deep South. I know a lot about the Deep South. I mean, I was in The Color Purple, remember?
Jesus Winfrey: Shut up, you stupid cracker. I AM The Color Purple. And you know what else, I’m from Nashville, too. I think you need to just shut your yap right now, you Yankee-ass, New York, Hollywood douche bag.
Whoopi: Yes, Ma’am. But with all due respect, you’re from Nashville, but you’re black. Belichick is white.
Jesus Winfrey: Yes he’s white, you stupid Auntie Tom cracker-ass cracker, but he also moved away when he was a baby, and grew up in Annapolis as a Yankee prep school punk while his dad coached football at the Naval Academy. Get your facts straight before you start expelling such diarrheas our yo’ mouth.
OCBOTV: Oh my God. Jesus Winfrey just put the smack communion down on Whoopi! The END IS NEAR!
—–
Charles Gibson: And finally tonight, it is being reported that Oprah Winfrey has bought The View and subsequently canceled it. More information as we get it. . .
