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Archive for the ‘belichick’ Category

Fourth down and thirteen
You always kick the field goal
Nice call, Belichoke

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This isn’t exactly new, but well worth watching. The part that confuses me is that I always thought Belichick was really Hitler.

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Now that’s just not fair.

Here’s Yoko Ono:

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and here’s Jessica Simpson:

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While I’ll admit Yolo’s rocking the Pilates legs at age 74, I don’t think that there’s an able-bodied male in our entire readership (both of you) who wouldn’t have made exactly the same choice as that young horn dog, Tony Romo.

I personally would do whatever it took to survive the weekend. I can only imagine what the customs agents in Cabo would think about my duffel bag full of viagra, popsicle sticks and duct tape, but I wouldn’t want to waste any time with detumescence.

On a related note, there is now a possibility that the Super Bowl could bring a coaching matchup between those two laugh riot quote machines, Bill Belichick and Tom Coughlan. I’ll bet the media is really looking forward to that week of interviews.

I’m afraid that it could mean more time for insightful commentary by Shannon Sharpe. Fuck, now I’ll have to wipe all the spit off from the inside of my plasma screen.

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You know what they say about dogs looking like their owners…

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Whoopi: I don’t think we should jump to conclusions about this Belichick kid. There’s one thing that nobody else is talking about that I want to bring up.

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Those Other Crazy Bitches on The View: What’s that, Whoopi?

Whoopi: His upbringing. He really doesn’t think anything of it, because it is part of his upbringing. Where he comes from, cheating is part of the cultural fabric. All he’s known his whole life is “bending” the rules to gain an advantage.

OCBOTV: Where is he from, Whoopi? Tell us, where?

Whoopi: (dramatic pause) The Deep South.

OCBOTV: (Collective gasp. Nod heads knowingly, pitifully)

Whoopi: (In hushed, wise tone) That’s right, girls. Bill Belichick is from Nashville, Tennessee. Where they beat black people with whips, fight dogs to the death and cheat at football, all in the name of GOD. It’s just like burning witches in Salem, it’s accepted as part of life . . .

Thunder . . . Lightning . . . a huge head appears, levitating over the set.

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Jesus Winfrey: Hold on a minute there, bitches!

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Whoopi, OCBOTV: Oh my God! It’s Jesus Winfrey! Aaaaaaaaaaaahh! (They bow to the ground, avert eyes.) What brings you here, Jesus?

Jesus Winfrey: What’s all this horseshit about Belichick and Nashville?

Whoopi: (Stammering) Uh . . .I looked it up. Bill Belichick is from Nashville. That’s the Deep South. I know a lot about the Deep South. I mean, I was in The Color Purple, remember?

Jesus Winfrey: Shut up, you stupid cracker. I AM The Color Purple. And you know what else, I’m from Nashville, too. I think you need to just shut your yap right now, you Yankee-ass, New York, Hollywood douche bag.

Whoopi: Yes, Ma’am. But with all due respect, you’re from Nashville, but you’re black. Belichick is white.

Jesus Winfrey: Yes he’s white, you stupid Auntie Tom cracker-ass cracker, but he also moved away when he was a baby, and grew up in Annapolis as a Yankee prep school punk while his dad coached football at the Naval Academy. Get your facts straight before you start expelling such diarrheas our yo’ mouth.

OCBOTV: Oh my God. Jesus Winfrey just put the smack communion down on Whoopi! The END IS NEAR!

—–

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Charles Gibson: And finally tonight, it is being reported that Oprah Winfrey has bought The View and subsequently canceled it. More information as we get it. . .

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Undercover Operation

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Hello?

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Is this line secure?

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Hang on a minute . . .OK, go ahead.

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What’s with the fucking apology? You issued an apology? You made me interrupt my vacation for an APOLOGY? Have you lost your fucking mind?

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I thought I’d nip it in the bud. You, know, not let things get out of hand. That’s what the PR guy suggested.

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PR Guy?! Did you learn nothing from me?! You trust no one! Do you hear me?! Where is your fucking BRAIN?! I don’t need to remind you just how deep this goes, do I? Do you want them to take everything away from you?!

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What are you talking about? They can’t take everything.

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They can and they will! This is NOT Tagliabue! This is not Rozell! This is an entirely new regime! How many times do I have to tell you that we are NOT all the way in yet? You put an operative on the sidelines in plain fucking sight?! You idiot! I’ve got others to protect! Can’t you see what you are doing? This is a global operation! What about operation Big House? We got Appalachain State and Oregon through, and now Weiss is ready to pull out and actually play straight up! He’s scared shitless!

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Weiss always was a pussy. I never liked that lard-ass. Anyway, where do I go from here?

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Plan A always works.

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Deny, deny, deny?

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That’s it. Now don’t fuck up like this again, or it’s all over.

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You’re right. Sorry. Hey, before you go, say it.

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No.

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Oh, come on, just one more time.

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Shit . . . OK . . . The crow flies straight at midnight.

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Only when the west wind blows.

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