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Archive for the ‘college football’ Category

They both got into USC

I think we’ve made it abundantly clear how we feel about USC here at Making It Rain.

But especially after they were knocked off of their ivory dildo pedestal in the largest point spread upset in the history of Division 1 football by the Mighty Mensans of Leland Stanford Junior University, I thought perhaps a graphic reminder was in order:

Hey Trojan Dickheads!

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What’s that? You still don’t get it?

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Well, at least their disconsolate players were able to seek solace in each other’s arms.

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I mean, really, was anybody surprised?

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Heh, heh. They’re called the Trojans. Like the condom. That’s funny.

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Contrary to popular belief, the hottest thing to come out of the University of Florida in the last few years is not ESPN’s Erin Andrews.

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As smokin’ as this ex-Florida Dazzler dancer is, the spread option offense is hotter.

Consider this:  Through the first three games this season, on first down, Florida is averaging over 12 yards per play.

Let me do the math for our Vol fan readers.  That means 1st and ten + any average play = 1st and ten.  It’s like a fucking perpetual motion machine.  Start it up and it automatically scores.  Touchdowns.

In twenty-one trips inside the 20 yd. line, Florida has scored 20 t/d’s and 1 field goal.  They’ve only punted 9 times, mainly out of courtesy after running up the score into the fifties.

I have no comment other than…fuck.

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(RING.) Hello, this is the ol’ ball coach.

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Uh, Mr. Spurrier? This is Phillip Fulmer.

SS: Well, shoooo-weeeee, Philly-boy! What’s going on, ya big ol’ tub of lard?

PF: Uh, well, Mr. Spurrier, actually I’m calling about that dad-gum game last Saturday.

SS: What game exactly do you want to talk about, fat boy? I’m kinda busy here, being the ol’ ball coach and all.

PF: Well, Mr. Spurrier, I didn’t really take to kindly to you runnin’ up the dad-gum score on us like that.

SS: What in tarnation are you talking about, Jumbo?

PF: You know, 59 points. There was just no dad-gum call for that.

SS: Wait a minute there hefty, we didn’t play you last week. That was Florida. I ain’t the ol’ ball coach at Florida anymore.

PF: I know how much you like sticking it to us, Mr. Spurrier, but this time I ain’t gonna dad-gum forget it. You gotta come up to Knoxville next year, and we’re going to be a whole lot better. We might just run the score up on you, see how much you dad-gum like it.

SS: I think you need to call that other ball coach with the funny name, Oscar Meyer.

PF: You almost made me cry.

SS: Hey fatty, you know who I really like, it’s that gal on TV, Rachael Ray. Man I’d love to grease her up with some turkey juice and give her the old ball coaching, if you know what I mean.

PF: You stay away from her, Mr. Spurrier. I mean it.

SS: Hey, I gotta go now, fatass. Come on down and see us, ya hear?

PF: I don’t never go to Florida unless I dad-gum have to.

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Michigan-38 Notre Dame-0

Thirty-eight to nuttin’. Five td’s and a field goal to zoo.

From a historical perspective, that’d be XXXVIII to mayazero.gif. For you uneducated Philistines out there, that’s the Mayan symbol for zero, a concept they invented. But before we get all excited about how brilliant the Mayan society was and start jacking off Mel Gibson, let’s keep in mind the fact that they couldn’t invent the wheel, even after they had fucking seen it.

“Oh wise Jaguar’s Testicle, why do the evil Spaniards keep catching up with us as we retreat across the Yucatan through the jungle?”

“I don’t know, Feathered Snake, but hurry up and keep dragging our shit on sticks.”

But back to the Serial Papists of South Bend. They haven’t scored an offensive touchdown yet this year. They managed a paltry 86 yards of total offense against the Rabid Rats of Miss Again. They have at least seven or eight more potential losses on their schedule. Apparently any talent that Tyrone Willingham had left in the cupboard has already “graduated” or at least begun working in a tire factory in Gary, Indiana. Charlie Weiss has recruited the number one quarterback prospect in the country who, despite the fact that he looks like a crack-addicted emu, is supposed to be “The Kid with the Golden Arm.” Having listened to countless UT Vol fans defend his underachieving lameass older brothers, I can promise you that he will be as disappointing as Kenny Chesney’s senior prom experience.

So as far as I can tell, there are only two things to do now:

  1. Go ahead and let Notre Dame pick which BCS bowl they want to go to with their exemption before anybody else gets a chance to take their spot.
  2. Extend Charlie Weiss’s contract for another five years.

Whaddya expect when your head coach looks like something out of a Don Martin cartoon?

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[Charlie Weiss and QB coach Ron Powlus set off in search of their next starting signal caller.]

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B-list country singer Chely Wright and B-list TV chef Giada deLaurentiis

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Masters’ Champion Zach Johnson and Super Bowl Champion Peyton Manning

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Notre Dame QB Jimmy Clausen and Michigan Coach Lloyd Carr

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I’m typing this from my wireless keyboard, cowering under my desk waiting for the seventh seal to be broken.

Four, count `em, four!, SEC teams lost at home this past weekend.  And only one of them was Vanderbilt.

The University of Miss-Again and the Serial Papists of South Bend are now 0-4, losing by a combined score of 137-54.  They meet next week in a “Loser Leaves Town” match-up while Les Miles shops for Midwestern real estate on Century21.com.

Thousands of Tennessee Vols fans shelled out $24.99 of their hard earned roofing wages to watch their team assault the University of Northern Katrina.  ESPN didn’t show any of the lowlights on Saturday, but it was at least fun to watch the nail-biter of a first half score crawl by on the ticker at the bottom of the screen and listen for the sound of “Rocky Top” emanating from a hundred thousand puckering assholes.

I need something to reaffirm my faith in humanity and college football!

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That should keep the frogs off for awhile.

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Where I (sometimes) work is an ad agency, the President of which is a Michigan grad. The lowest man on the totem pole around here, the newest hire, is fresh out of Appy State. In fact, he was at that glorious game in the Big House last weekend. The President has been reminded several times this week that Appy State put the beat-down on Michigan last Saturday. It has been a beautiful thing to watch.

But remember, Appy State has been good at football for a long time. Video production, not so much. In case you missed it when it first made the rounds last year, I present to you the Appalachain State recruitment video, “Hot Hot Hot”

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