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What a great time to be in Arizona. Of course, there is a professional tackle football game being played there tomorrow. And all weekend is the golf tournament they play there, whatever the fuck they call it these days.

This tournament is a Super Bowl weekend tradition, with the rowdiest hole in golf, the par-3 16th. It’s the only hole in professional tournament golf where you will get booed for a bad shot.

And, from what I understand, Arizona is always crawling with folks like this:
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Note that these young ladies are both flashing the hand signal commonly known as “the Shocker.” This hand signal is a request for someone, presumably me, to perform simultaneous vaginal and anal digital intercourse upon them.

Oh, yeah. I want to go to Arizona.

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Memo

To: Tom Coughlin

From: Tiki Barber

Dear Coach,

I know you may have thought I left you in a little bit of a lurch when I retired so suddenly after last season, but to be quite honest with you I didn’t think the Giants were going anywhere. And I thought Eli wasn’t gonna be able to lead us anywhere near the promised land. And you’re a prick.

But can’t we just let bygones be bygones? You let Strahan take the whole preseason off while he strung you along about whether he wanted to come back or not. Then he showed up and had a helluva season for the G Men. And I’ve been keeping myself in a lot better shape than that gap-toothed sumbitch.

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I’m sure you can see why I didn’t want to play in that cold-ass weather up in Green Bay last week. Can you blame me? I thought your fuckin’ nose was going to fall off. It’s fine to be a tough offensive lineman and not wear sleeves, but you’re an old man. It’s not cool to show up at the postgame press conference with all your extremities turning black and a gaping hole in the middle of your face like some rich idiot adventurer who got separated from his sherpas on Everest.

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Smarten up, coach. You should learn to relax like me.

So can I play? If it’s ok with you, I might not make it until the second half. I have a date for some afternoon delight with Meredith Viera.

tikibarberdrruth.jpg I love it when she whispers to me in that fake Nazi accent.

Your friend,

Tiki

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St. Maartin, Orient Beach, Jan. 23, 2028:

Jessica: I can’t believe it’s like, been like 20 years, can you?

Tony: Time sure flies.

Jessica: You remember, like, when we, like, first met, and you were, like, playing football, and they like totally blamed me for you losing that game.

Tony: You know I don’t like talking about those days, Jess. You don’t hear me bringing up your “country record” or your “acting career,” do you?

Jessica: OK, you’re like totally right. I could like totally go for the buffet right now! Are ya hungry!?

Tony: I guess so. Where are Donni-Marie and Roman and Dallasina?

Jessica: Aunt Ashlee and Uncle Terrell took them to a movie.

(Stops to pick up a shell) You know, being, like, the wife of a car dealership part-owner isn’t so bad.

Tony: (Please, can just shut your fucking pie-hole for ten seconds?! Ever?!) How many times do I have to tell you, it’s “equity partner in a transportation industry venture”? Hey! Isn’t that Carrot Top over there?

Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson in thongs on the beach

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Dear Eli,

Hi! My name is Jessica! lol! You may have heard of me, or know who I am, as I am sometimes in the internets that any U.S. American can see or read regarding my so-called social life and the boys I have sometimes gone on (totally innocent! lol!!) dates with like John Mayer and this boy that I dated up until yesterday.  Oh, yeah, and you might have heard of me because I had my married life with my EX!!!!! husband (lol!!) made into a TV show.

Anyway, I don’t really do this ALL that often (lol!) but I wanted to see if you wanted to like, I don’t know, hook up or something. I mean, I like totally have two tickets to Cozumel for a couple of days, and I thought you might want to get away for a while. I mean, you may have heard about me and my EX!!! boyfriend, Tony, but we like totally broke up yesterday. And I couldn’t be happier, because he is like, totally a LOSER! As in he’s a LOSER and you’re a WINNER! And I think winners are, like totally, HAWT!!!! So I just thought I’d check and see, you know, like who knows, right? give it a shot.

So I’m sort of shy, but friendly when you get to know me, and I like to cook and work in the garden. I’m equally as comfortable in jeans as in an evening gown. I like to go hiking and rafting, or just curl up with a nice glass of wine by a nice fire! Can’t wait to hear from you.

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Dear Jessica,

Thanks for the kind email. I asked my big brother. He says I’m not allowed to meet you. Do you like Kenny Chesney?

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Uh, do you have Tom Brady’s digits?

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Now that’s just not fair.

Here’s Yoko Ono:

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and here’s Jessica Simpson:

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While I’ll admit Yolo’s rocking the Pilates legs at age 74, I don’t think that there’s an able-bodied male in our entire readership (both of you) who wouldn’t have made exactly the same choice as that young horn dog, Tony Romo.

I personally would do whatever it took to survive the weekend. I can only imagine what the customs agents in Cabo would think about my duffel bag full of viagra, popsicle sticks and duct tape, but I wouldn’t want to waste any time with detumescence.

On a related note, there is now a possibility that the Super Bowl could bring a coaching matchup between those two laugh riot quote machines, Bill Belichick and Tom Coughlan. I’ll bet the media is really looking forward to that week of interviews.

I’m afraid that it could mean more time for insightful commentary by Shannon Sharpe. Fuck, now I’ll have to wipe all the spit off from the inside of my plasma screen.

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You know what they say about dogs looking like their owners…

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Kickoff in a couple of minutes. Green Bay has the advantage, because of this:

Green Bay Packers Bikini Girls

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Much has been made about Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson’s trip to Mexico last week. The mainstream media is missing the real story here. We interviewed Jessica about what happened.

Making it Rain: How was Mexico

Jessica Simpson: It was, like, totally awesome!

MIR: Did Tony do any football work?

JS: He fucked me alot!

MIR: What about film study on the Giants’ defense?

JS: You know, once, he looked me right in the eyes and asked, “Can I come on your tits?!” It was, like totally awesome! Because, I have totally awesome tits!

MIR: Did he bring anything with him that was playoff related? A playbook? DVDs of the Giants?

JS: OK, so Jason Witten is like totally hot. And I mentioned it to Tony. And, so, they like totally double-teamed me one night. It was so cool, because I like to fuck famous people. And to, like, totally fuck two famous Dallas Cowboys at the SAME TIME, was, like, totally awesome! Go Cowboys!

MIR: Thanks for your time.

JS: Awesome!

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