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Archive for the ‘Dallas Cowboys’ Category

St. Maartin, Orient Beach, Jan. 23, 2028:

Jessica: I can’t believe it’s like, been like 20 years, can you?

Tony: Time sure flies.

Jessica: You remember, like, when we, like, first met, and you were, like, playing football, and they like totally blamed me for you losing that game.

Tony: You know I don’t like talking about those days, Jess. You don’t hear me bringing up your “country record” or your “acting career,” do you?

Jessica: OK, you’re like totally right. I could like totally go for the buffet right now! Are ya hungry!?

Tony: I guess so. Where are Donni-Marie and Roman and Dallasina?

Jessica: Aunt Ashlee and Uncle Terrell took them to a movie.

(Stops to pick up a shell) You know, being, like, the wife of a car dealership part-owner isn’t so bad.

Tony: (Please, can just shut your fucking pie-hole for ten seconds?! Ever?!) How many times do I have to tell you, it’s “equity partner in a transportation industry venture”? Hey! Isn’t that Carrot Top over there?

Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson in thongs on the beach

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Dear Eli,

Hi! My name is Jessica! lol! You may have heard of me, or know who I am, as I am sometimes in the internets that any U.S. American can see or read regarding my so-called social life and the boys I have sometimes gone on (totally innocent! lol!!) dates with like John Mayer and this boy that I dated up until yesterday.  Oh, yeah, and you might have heard of me because I had my married life with my EX!!!!! husband (lol!!) made into a TV show.

Anyway, I don’t really do this ALL that often (lol!) but I wanted to see if you wanted to like, I don’t know, hook up or something. I mean, I like totally have two tickets to Cozumel for a couple of days, and I thought you might want to get away for a while. I mean, you may have heard about me and my EX!!! boyfriend, Tony, but we like totally broke up yesterday. And I couldn’t be happier, because he is like, totally a LOSER! As in he’s a LOSER and you’re a WINNER! And I think winners are, like totally, HAWT!!!! So I just thought I’d check and see, you know, like who knows, right? give it a shot.

So I’m sort of shy, but friendly when you get to know me, and I like to cook and work in the garden. I’m equally as comfortable in jeans as in an evening gown. I like to go hiking and rafting, or just curl up with a nice glass of wine by a nice fire! Can’t wait to hear from you.

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Dear Jessica,

Thanks for the kind email. I asked my big brother. He says I’m not allowed to meet you. Do you like Kenny Chesney?

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Uh, do you have Tom Brady’s digits?

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This isn’t exactly new, but well worth watching. The part that confuses me is that I always thought Belichick was really Hitler.

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Twice now, Terrell Owens has cried on TV. There, there, Terrell. I fell your pain, little fella. I feel your pain.

One time, a long time ago, when I was a bartender, the boss told us to “Just get away from bartending for a couple of days.” Well, my best friend went to Destin with his really hot girlfriend, and when he got back, he gave a waitress a Gibson when she ordered a Gimlet. And everybody said his head just wasn’t in it because of his trip! And I had to stand up for my friend! I had to tell everyone to leave him alone!! And I, too, shed a tear over the injustice of it all.

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Now that’s just not fair.

Here’s Yoko Ono:

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and here’s Jessica Simpson:

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While I’ll admit Yolo’s rocking the Pilates legs at age 74, I don’t think that there’s an able-bodied male in our entire readership (both of you) who wouldn’t have made exactly the same choice as that young horn dog, Tony Romo.

I personally would do whatever it took to survive the weekend. I can only imagine what the customs agents in Cabo would think about my duffel bag full of viagra, popsicle sticks and duct tape, but I wouldn’t want to waste any time with detumescence.

On a related note, there is now a possibility that the Super Bowl could bring a coaching matchup between those two laugh riot quote machines, Bill Belichick and Tom Coughlan. I’ll bet the media is really looking forward to that week of interviews.

I’m afraid that it could mean more time for insightful commentary by Shannon Sharpe. Fuck, now I’ll have to wipe all the spit off from the inside of my plasma screen.

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You know what they say about dogs looking like their owners…

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“There’s nothing that can happen in the playoffs that would change my thinking about him being head coach of the Dallas Cowboys,” Jerry Jones January 10th 2008.

At about the 4:20 mark, Jerry realizes, “I have made a terrible mistake.”

The Flutie Curse is not to be trifled with, Jerry. Cut your losses. Wade Phillips has as many playoff wins as I do.

Mitigating Factor: Hot Daughter.

Only one way to break the Flutie Curse…

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Much has been made about Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson’s trip to Mexico last week. The mainstream media is missing the real story here. We interviewed Jessica about what happened.

Making it Rain: How was Mexico

Jessica Simpson: It was, like, totally awesome!

MIR: Did Tony do any football work?

JS: He fucked me alot!

MIR: What about film study on the Giants’ defense?

JS: You know, once, he looked me right in the eyes and asked, “Can I come on your tits?!” It was, like totally awesome! Because, I have totally awesome tits!

MIR: Did he bring anything with him that was playoff related? A playbook? DVDs of the Giants?

JS: OK, so Jason Witten is like totally hot. And I mentioned it to Tony. And, so, they like totally double-teamed me one night. It was so cool, because I like to fuck famous people. And to, like, totally fuck two famous Dallas Cowboys at the SAME TIME, was, like, totally awesome! Go Cowboys!

MIR: Thanks for your time.

JS: Awesome!

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