Archive for the ‘Eli Manning is a bitch’ Category


To: Tom Coughlin

From: Tiki Barber

Dear Coach,

I know you may have thought I left you in a little bit of a lurch when I retired so suddenly after last season, but to be quite honest with you I didn’t think the Giants were going anywhere. And I thought Eli wasn’t gonna be able to lead us anywhere near the promised land. And you’re a prick.

But can’t we just let bygones be bygones? You let Strahan take the whole preseason off while he strung you along about whether he wanted to come back or not. Then he showed up and had a helluva season for the G Men. And I’ve been keeping myself in a lot better shape than that gap-toothed sumbitch.


I’m sure you can see why I didn’t want to play in that cold-ass weather up in Green Bay last week. Can you blame me? I thought your fuckin’ nose was going to fall off. It’s fine to be a tough offensive lineman and not wear sleeves, but you’re an old man. It’s not cool to show up at the postgame press conference with all your extremities turning black and a gaping hole in the middle of your face like some rich idiot adventurer who got separated from his sherpas on Everest.


Smarten up, coach. You should learn to relax like me.

So can I play? If it’s ok with you, I might not make it until the second half. I have a date for some afternoon delight with Meredith Viera.

tikibarberdrruth.jpg I love it when she whispers to me in that fake Nazi accent.

Your friend,



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Dear Eli,

Hi! My name is Jessica! lol! You may have heard of me, or know who I am, as I am sometimes in the internets that any U.S. American can see or read regarding my so-called social life and the boys I have sometimes gone on (totally innocent! lol!!) dates with like John Mayer and this boy that I dated up until yesterday.  Oh, yeah, and you might have heard of me because I had my married life with my EX!!!!! husband (lol!!) made into a TV show.

Anyway, I don’t really do this ALL that often (lol!) but I wanted to see if you wanted to like, I don’t know, hook up or something. I mean, I like totally have two tickets to Cozumel for a couple of days, and I thought you might want to get away for a while. I mean, you may have heard about me and my EX!!! boyfriend, Tony, but we like totally broke up yesterday. And I couldn’t be happier, because he is like, totally a LOSER! As in he’s a LOSER and you’re a WINNER! And I think winners are, like totally, HAWT!!!! So I just thought I’d check and see, you know, like who knows, right? give it a shot.

So I’m sort of shy, but friendly when you get to know me, and I like to cook and work in the garden. I’m equally as comfortable in jeans as in an evening gown. I like to go hiking and rafting, or just curl up with a nice glass of wine by a nice fire! Can’t wait to hear from you.

Dear Jessica,

Thanks for the kind email. I asked my big brother. He says I’m not allowed to meet you. Do you like Kenny Chesney?

Uh, do you have Tom Brady’s digits?

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Thanks for nothing Favre.  Good thing that the frigid weather in Green Bay is such a fucking advantage for your team.  After all, you wouldn’t want to lose a playoff game in Lambeau to Eli Fucking Manning.

Because that would just be embarrassing.   Especially when you are, say, a seven point favorite.

Time to retire yet?  Please, don’t let the Frozen Tundra hit you on the ass on the way out.

Now we have to wait two weeks for a Super Bowl featuring the nation’s most insufferable fan bases.  I look at this game the same way I look at the Israel-Palestinian conflict.   I have no dog in that fight.  Neither does anyone living outside the Northeast Corridor.

My only interest in this game now revolves around the possibility of Amanda Beard appearing in a Go Daddy ad during the game.

Daddy Likey

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It looks like the tempertaure at the time of kick off tonight in Green Bay is supposed to be about zero with a windchill in the negative teens.

Uh-oh, that means Kenny Chesney’s boyfriend’s brother’s testicles are never gonna descend.


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This isn’t exactly new, but well worth watching. The part that confuses me is that I always thought Belichick was really Hitler.

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Armchair cornerback made a crude comment in the last post about Eli Manning blowing Kenny Chesney‘s little brother. We don’t tolerate comments like that here. Not because it’s not true, but because the image is horrific. It happened right after he sang with Kenny at this concert. WARNING: despite the poor quality, you are about to see footage of Kenny Chesney with his arm around Eli Manning. Spontanious convulsions and eye bleeding may occur.

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Look at me Romo! I gots your es-girlfriend, Taylor Swift, man! I’m gonna lay her down, man! You weren’t even drafted, ya big fag! I went number one, modderfucker! NUMBER ONE!

Oh shit. I think I’m gonna hurl . . .

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