Archive for the ‘Fans’ Category

What a great time to be in Arizona. Of course, there is a professional tackle football game being played there tomorrow. And all weekend is the golf tournament they play there, whatever the fuck they call it these days.

This tournament is a Super Bowl weekend tradition, with the rowdiest hole in golf, the par-3 16th. It’s the only hole in professional tournament golf where you will get booed for a bad shot.

And, from what I understand, Arizona is always crawling with folks like this:

Note that these young ladies are both flashing the hand signal commonly known as “the Shocker.” This hand signal is a request for someone, presumably me, to perform simultaneous vaginal and anal digital intercourse upon them.

Oh, yeah. I want to go to Arizona.


Read Full Post »

 Indianapolis, Jan. 13, 2008.


Hey, you! Row D, seat 9! Yeah, I’m talking to you, fat ass. . . put that finger up again and I’ll come up there and break it off and shove it up your fat yankee corn eatin’ ass, motherfucker! Is that your wife or your pet haaaaaawg?!?! GodDAMM she’s a fucking haaaaawg!! Suuuuuuueeey,¬† pig! Get your fat yankee ass back in your Reliant K and go home and cry a river in your tractor back in your frozen, flat, yankee-ass soybean field. Your inbred, overrated punk-ass quarterback couldn’t win the big one at Tennessee, and he ain’t gonna win it here! Manning SUCKS!! Cutler SUCKS! That other Manning SUCKS!


Your team SUCKS! Indianapolis sucks! The whole state of Illinois SUCKS! Fuck you, you cracker-ass inbred  corncob-pipe smoking fat farmer boy! Fuck you!!!


Rivers. Dude. Cool it. Have a little class. You’re giving the fine San Diego quarterback legacy a bad name.

Read Full Post »


My 12 year old stepson and I were walking (well, he was walking, I was staggering) into our local professional football team’s meaningless pre-season game, when he asked me,

“Phil, why aren’t you wearing Titans gear?”

“Same reason I don’t dress like Mr. Spock when I go see a Star Trek movie, son.”

He laughed, which I appreciated as I’m not sure he even knows what Star Trek is. That boy makes me proud in so many ways.

The fatherly point I was attempting to pass down to my heirs was that there isn’t a dime’s worth of difference between the geeks who camp out for a science fiction movie/Harry Potter book/stupid cell phone and the geeks who get overly involved in rooting for professional sports.

There’s a reason that they sell baseball cards at the same places they sell comic books. Both appeal to the demographic of the gullible consumer who needs a life. Please tell me the difference between the dork who spends $995 for a signed photo of the Next Generation cast and the dork who spends $995 for a signed baseball of the 2003 New York Yankees. Both of these dopes spent a thousand bucks on an item with no practical value.

The usual line of blather from the jock-sniffing homers is “Well, you got to support the team.” Which is jock-sniffing homer code for, “If we don’t spend all of our disposable income on this person’s business, they may relocate to a municipality that will spend all of its disposable income on supporting this business.” Gee whiz. Do you mean that shelling out $3000 for the scam known as the PSL, then spending an additional $1600 for season tickets, plus the parking cost and six dollar beers in plastic bottles isn’t supporting the team? I’m pretty sure that the five thousand dollars per year I’m throwing down Bud Adam’s gaping maw in order to watch a game that children play for free isn’t going to feed children in Third world countries. In fact, I’d be more pissed off it it were.

Never mind all of that now. Just watch these dorks waiting in line to shell out their hard earned dough. The only difference between these doomed fools dedicated, well-spoken football fans camping out for Titans single game tickets and the dorks in this video is, well, nothing.

In a worse case scenario, there are always the mutants who belong to both nerd camps. One at a time, ladies…

Ask me about Dr. Who!

Read Full Post »