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What a great time to be in Arizona. Of course, there is a professional tackle football game being played there tomorrow. And all weekend is the golf tournament they play there, whatever the fuck they call it these days.

This tournament is a Super Bowl weekend tradition, with the rowdiest hole in golf, the par-3 16th. It’s the only hole in professional tournament golf where you will get booed for a bad shot.

And, from what I understand, Arizona is always crawling with folks like this:
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Note that these young ladies are both flashing the hand signal commonly known as “the Shocker.” This hand signal is a request for someone, presumably me, to perform simultaneous vaginal and anal digital intercourse upon them.

Oh, yeah. I want to go to Arizona.

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Thanks for nothing Favre.  Good thing that the frigid weather in Green Bay is such a fucking advantage for your team.  After all, you wouldn’t want to lose a playoff game in Lambeau to Eli Fucking Manning.

Because that would just be embarrassing.   Especially when you are, say, a seven point favorite.

Time to retire yet?  Please, don’t let the Frozen Tundra hit you on the ass on the way out.

Now we have to wait two weeks for a Super Bowl featuring the nation’s most insufferable fan bases.  I look at this game the same way I look at the Israel-Palestinian conflict.   I have no dog in that fight.  Neither does anyone living outside the Northeast Corridor.

My only interest in this game now revolves around the possibility of Amanda Beard appearing in a Go Daddy ad during the game.

Daddy Likey

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It looks like the tempertaure at the time of kick off tonight in Green Bay is supposed to be about zero with a windchill in the negative teens.

Uh-oh, that means Kenny Chesney’s boyfriend’s brother’s testicles are never gonna descend.

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This isn’t exactly new, but well worth watching. The part that confuses me is that I always thought Belichick was really Hitler.

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Ciao, Chow

The Tennessee Titans have entered the Era of the Revolving Door.

Until Vince Young’s contract runs out, expect a never ending procession of Offensive Gurus (great band name) to pack a bag and head for the Third Coast*.

Say goodbye to Norm “Lendale off tackle” Chow. Say hello again, to Mike “Eddie off tackle” Heimerdinger. Les Steckel was not available for comment as of press time.

Heimerdinger’s first challenge will be teaching Vince Young how to throw the football to a teammate. Then he will teach him how to spell “cat”.

Chow is believed to be weighing his options and may be offered the offensive coordinator job at UCLA, or his old job building the railroad.

Cocksucker!

*The hallmarks of the Third Coast Offense is a play calling scheme that goes like this: First Down: Running back up the middle. Second Down: Running back up the middle. Third down: Poorly thrown and probably intercepted pass. Fourth down: Punt. The key to winning with this offense is to have a very consistent kicker and to score as many field goals as possible. It throws off the other team’s defense who generally expect their opponents to attempt to score touchdowns.

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 Indianapolis, Jan. 13, 2008.

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Hey, you! Row D, seat 9! Yeah, I’m talking to you, fat ass. . . put that finger up again and I’ll come up there and break it off and shove it up your fat yankee corn eatin’ ass, motherfucker! Is that your wife or your pet haaaaaawg?!?! GodDAMM she’s a fucking haaaaawg!! Suuuuuuueeey,  pig! Get your fat yankee ass back in your Reliant K and go home and cry a river in your tractor back in your frozen, flat, yankee-ass soybean field. Your inbred, overrated punk-ass quarterback couldn’t win the big one at Tennessee, and he ain’t gonna win it here! Manning SUCKS!! Cutler SUCKS! That other Manning SUCKS!

I’m from ATHENS, ALAFUCKINGBAMA, motherfucker!! ALAFUCKINGBAMA, Motherfucker! Where we play REAL FOOTBALL!! ALAFUCKINGGODDAMBAMA!!!!!!

Your team SUCKS! Indianapolis sucks! The whole state of Illinois SUCKS! Fuck you, you cracker-ass inbred  corncob-pipe smoking fat farmer boy! Fuck you!!!

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Rivers. Dude. Cool it. Have a little class. You’re giving the fine San Diego quarterback legacy a bad name.

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Now that’s just not fair.

Here’s Yoko Ono:

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and here’s Jessica Simpson:

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While I’ll admit Yolo’s rocking the Pilates legs at age 74, I don’t think that there’s an able-bodied male in our entire readership (both of you) who wouldn’t have made exactly the same choice as that young horn dog, Tony Romo.

I personally would do whatever it took to survive the weekend. I can only imagine what the customs agents in Cabo would think about my duffel bag full of viagra, popsicle sticks and duct tape, but I wouldn’t want to waste any time with detumescence.

On a related note, there is now a possibility that the Super Bowl could bring a coaching matchup between those two laugh riot quote machines, Bill Belichick and Tom Coughlan. I’ll bet the media is really looking forward to that week of interviews.

I’m afraid that it could mean more time for insightful commentary by Shannon Sharpe. Fuck, now I’ll have to wipe all the spit off from the inside of my plasma screen.

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You know what they say about dogs looking like their owners…

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