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It’s time to sit back and enjoy some NFL Playoff football. Hopefully Daryl Johnston will continue to provide scintillating commentary like he did last week when he said, “He wishes he could have that throw back,” after an interception.

Here’s a picture I just took of my girlfriend. She dresses like this for me for all the games, and she brings me beers and chips all afternoon.

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Whenever the defending World Champions roll into your town for a Sunday game, you can always count on a certain type of fan to show up.

The fan with the fake tan and fake tits that totally wants to fuck an NFL player.

Like this one:

I’d Even Do The Kicker

Or this one:

Wanna see my pec implants?

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Undercover Operation

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Hello?

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Is this line secure?

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Hang on a minute . . .OK, go ahead.

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What’s with the fucking apology? You issued an apology? You made me interrupt my vacation for an APOLOGY? Have you lost your fucking mind?

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I thought I’d nip it in the bud. You, know, not let things get out of hand. That’s what the PR guy suggested.

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PR Guy?! Did you learn nothing from me?! You trust no one! Do you hear me?! Where is your fucking BRAIN?! I don’t need to remind you just how deep this goes, do I? Do you want them to take everything away from you?!

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What are you talking about? They can’t take everything.

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They can and they will! This is NOT Tagliabue! This is not Rozell! This is an entirely new regime! How many times do I have to tell you that we are NOT all the way in yet? You put an operative on the sidelines in plain fucking sight?! You idiot! I’ve got others to protect! Can’t you see what you are doing? This is a global operation! What about operation Big House? We got Appalachain State and Oregon through, and now Weiss is ready to pull out and actually play straight up! He’s scared shitless!

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Weiss always was a pussy. I never liked that lard-ass. Anyway, where do I go from here?

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Plan A always works.

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Deny, deny, deny?

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That’s it. Now don’t fuck up like this again, or it’s all over.

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You’re right. Sorry. Hey, before you go, say it.

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No.

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Oh, come on, just one more time.

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Shit . . . OK . . . The crow flies straight at midnight.

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Only when the west wind blows.

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Ocho Stinko

The national sports talking heads all have one thing in common. They all “really like” Chad Johnson. Whether it is Jim Rome or Michael Smith or Kornheiser, they all “really like” him. And each person says it almost apologetically, as though they’re they only one who really gets it. They don’t want to promote stupid end zone celebrations, but Chad’s are OK somehow. “All that other celebration stuff that would make George Halas roll over in his grave is bad for football. It is narcissistic, egomaniacal showboating. But Chad is DIFFERENT. He doesn’t have any malice. He does it in good fun. I ‘really like’ Chad Johnson.”

Well I’d really like everyone to shut up about Chad Johnson and his touchdown dances. The ESPN Idiots followed him over to the sideline to put on his stupid jacket last night, meanwhile, because of an injury to the kicker, the team had to go for two and didn’t make it, a fairly important bit of news early in a football game, I’d say.

Even in the highlights at halftime those ESPiNheads showed Johnson’s “much anticipated touchdown celebration”. Then Kornheiser went and got the jacket and put it on in the booth. I don’t remember anyone bringing Joe Horn’s cell phone up to the booth.

And if you need proof that it is ego-driven, they had him mic’ed up, and showed him on the sideline saying, to anyone who would listen, “Did you see that with the jacket? That was pretty good, wasn’t it?”

Guys, he put on a fucking coat he dug out of a trash bag.

Chad Johnson — don’t follow him anymore. He’ll eventually go away.

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None of these things is not like the other:

Champ Bailey

Chris McAlister

Ed Reed

Adrian Wilson

Kerry Rhodes

Ken Hamlin

Walt Harris

Bob Sanders

Will Demps

Chris Hope

Lawyer Milloy

Gerald Sensabaugh

Fred Smoot

Chad Williams

Lance Schulters

Charles Woodson

What do all of these people have in common?

  • Well, for one thing, they’re all NFL defensive backs.
  • Secondly, they’re all black guys with white guy names.
  • Lastly, and most importantly, they are all bad-ass motherfuckers who will mess you up if you are a wide receiver cutting across the middle of the field.

I cannot reiterate this enough to my friends with the 80 numbers on their chests. If your cracker-ass QB hangs you out to dry by leading you a little too much on a crossing pattern and you see a guy coming at you that has the same name as your accountant but who looks like a member of Suge Knight’s entourage, get the fuck down!

Except for you, T.O. You just keep lovin’ you some you and expose that rib cage exactly where Ed Reed can get a good running start at you.

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Whoopi “I was funny once 20 years ago” Goldberg went on the View and defended Mike Vick’s dog fighting operation. I saw a few seconds of it on ESPN. I honestly can’t go watch it again without my eyes bleeding, but I can’t let it go, so I will be paraphrasing a little as far as what the crazy bitch said.

First, she said he didn’t know it was wrong because it was part of his upbringing.

So Whoopi, were you Mike’s fucking nanny when he was little? How the fuck do you know what his upbringing was like? And if he didn’t know it was wrong, why did he do it secretly behind a big fence? Why did he deny it when first asked about it? Because he knew it was illegal, idiot. Whether he thought it was wrong or not is immaterial. Of course he didn’t think it was wrong. We can all see that. I don’t think smoking pot is wrong. But I know it’s illegal.

Then she said it is part of the culture where he was raised. One of the other crazy bitches asked where he was from, to which Whoopass replied, in a concerned, hushed voice, “the deep South.” The other ladies then nodded, knowingly.

Since when is Newport fucking News considered the “Deep South” you fucking douchebag? It’s a shipbuilding town on the coast of Virginia. You make it sound like he grew up pickin’ cotton for the man. Plus as we all now know, thanks to three solid months of hard-hitting dog fighting investigative journalism, the Midwest and urban areas like Detroit and Chicago are dogfighting hotbeds. Perhaps those poor misguided children don’t know any better, either.

So, yeah, Whoopi, it’s just like he was sponsoring cock-fighting in Puerto Rico. Except he was filthy rich and in America and knew it was illegal.

That’s all I saw. I’m sure there’s more, but I’m not going to take the bait.

Stay off my 24-hour sports network.

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Here’s a picture of the chick who ended up winning, besting our heroine from South Carolina:

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Her bio says she’s from Louisville.  But it’s Louisville, Colorado?

I don’t know about you, but to me she’s looks like she’s got “Big Orange” written all over her.

Or rather, she will as soon as Travis Henry gets  his fold-out couch moved into his new apartment in Denver.

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