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Archive for the ‘sec’ Category

Contrary to popular belief, the hottest thing to come out of the University of Florida in the last few years is not ESPN’s Erin Andrews.

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As smokin’ as this ex-Florida Dazzler dancer is, the spread option offense is hotter.

Consider this:  Through the first three games this season, on first down, Florida is averaging over 12 yards per play.

Let me do the math for our Vol fan readers.  That means 1st and ten + any average play = 1st and ten.  It’s like a fucking perpetual motion machine.  Start it up and it automatically scores.  Touchdowns.

In twenty-one trips inside the 20 yd. line, Florida has scored 20 t/d’s and 1 field goal.  They’ve only punted 9 times, mainly out of courtesy after running up the score into the fifties.

I have no comment other than…fuck.

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I’m typing this from my wireless keyboard, cowering under my desk waiting for the seventh seal to be broken.

Four, count `em, four!, SEC teams lost at home this past weekend.  And only one of them was Vanderbilt.

The University of Miss-Again and the Serial Papists of South Bend are now 0-4, losing by a combined score of 137-54.  They meet next week in a “Loser Leaves Town” match-up while Les Miles shops for Midwestern real estate on Century21.com.

Thousands of Tennessee Vols fans shelled out $24.99 of their hard earned roofing wages to watch their team assault the University of Northern Katrina.  ESPN didn’t show any of the lowlights on Saturday, but it was at least fun to watch the nail-biter of a first half score crawl by on the ticker at the bottom of the screen and listen for the sound of “Rocky Top” emanating from a hundred thousand puckering assholes.

I need something to reaffirm my faith in humanity and college football!

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That should keep the frogs off for awhile.

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Why the heck do we have to go out to dad-gum California to start the season? Bunch of dad-gum hippies out there.

Boy, I sure do miss Peyton. At least his dad-gum, pansy-ass brother didn’t go to school here.

I bet all those hippies out there in dad-gum California are going to take pot before the game. I hear tell that taking pot makes you hungry. I don’t need no dad-gum pot to get hungry. In fact, I sure could use a turkey about now.

Man, I sure do like that one gal on TV. What’s her name again? Rachael Ray, that’s it. She’s a dad-gum firecracker.

We got us a whole state full of dad-gum inbred, mullet-sporting trailer trash named Peyton that are all about 10 now. I hope one of them dad-gum sumbitches turns out to be a Quarterback.

I bet that Rachael Ray could whip up a turkey. I wonder if she’d let me cover her fine ass in turkey juice and lick it all off. Whoooooooooie, that would be a good time. I don’t get that kind of dad-gum action at home.

I bet if Rachael Ray and Peyton had a son, he’d be Quarterback here in about 19 years. Man, she’s so fine. Mmmmmm. Rachael Ray.

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Dad-gum it Rachael, you’re spillin’ all the juice!

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Here’s a picture of the chick who ended up winning, besting our heroine from South Carolina:

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Her bio says she’s from Louisville.  But it’s Louisville, Colorado?

I don’t know about you, but to me she’s looks like she’s got “Big Orange” written all over her.

Or rather, she will as soon as Travis Henry gets  his fold-out couch moved into his new apartment in Denver.

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It seems USC is the consensus #1 pick in just about every preseason football poll.  Well, every poll except the Knoxville Fulmer Sentinel, which will continue to pick UT number one until long after every conceivable permutation of  league championship games and potential plane crashes have eliminated any possibility of  the Little Orange even finishing 2nd in the SEC East.

But is anybody even really rooting for the Trojans?  The University of Spoiled Children doesn’t really project the image of needing outside support.  Shit, they’ve already chased off two tailbacks, leaving the cupboard almost bare with only eight Parade All-Americans remaining.

The Wizards of Watts are talented and deep at just about every skill position, to the point where Mitch Cumstain, er, Mustain probably won’t ever see field in SoCal unless he learns how to hold for kicks.  And matinee idol Pete Carroll could give a shit what Mitch’s mom says.  Fayetteville, Arkansas will start to look a lot better once the Mustains realize that the University of Second Choice doesn’t have what you would call the most supportive system for their non-performing athletes.  Kinda like the support system Michael Vick had for his non-performing dogz.

Even Mississippi State has dedicated fans, fer Chrissake, and they haven’t done anything to deserve support in decades. It’s not like a visit to StarkVegas is worth a road trip unless you have a particular liking for cowbells and rickets.  Yet hordes of SEC fans do it five times a year.

Rooting for the Universite of Sodomite Corksuckers is like pulling for WalMart.  Or the Yankees. They don’t need your support.  They’ll do fine without you.  And they’ll trample all over your grandmother to succeed if given have a chance.  At least if you have a diploma from USC, you can leave it on your dashboard and park in handicapped spaces.

So fuggem.

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1. “My argument was, if he makes wise investments, other than in gold chains, then he should be able to make the payments,” lawyer for one of the nine women that Travis Henry has impregnated.

2.  “You’re paying a media consultant — fire the consultant,” sayeth the judge in the Crazy Stalker Astro-Nut case after the aforementioned Astro-Nut complained about the cost and inconvenience of her ankle monitor.

3.  “It would be nice to have a little indoor facility nearby where you wouldn’t have to spend your whole life trying to figure out a new plan. It’s very frustrating. It gets very old, and I’m about tired of it.” UGA Head Coach Marc Richt sniveling that he can’t practice his team under these barbaric conditions. By barbaric conditions, he means “outdoors”.

4.  There’s no real quote for this Michael Vick story.  It’s just heartwarming to see a negligent father try to extort money out of his wealthy dirtbag son in exchange for his silence.

VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE NOW!

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Making it Rain: I know it was before you were hired, but Alabama has had nearly a decade of problems with the football program. Do you think that will add any extra challenges to the job you face this year?

Nick Saban: No.

MIR: All those years of probation, the limited scholarships, recruiting challenges. None of that is going to affect this year’s team?

NS: No. We’ve never had any problems. We were never on probation.

MIR: You were on probation for five years.

NS: No we weren’t.

MIR: I don’t understand. It’s a fact. It was in all the papers.

NS: No it wasn’t. Next question.

MIR: Uh, OK. You put one of the most exciting players in recent years at Alabama, Tyrone Prothro, on medical scholarship this year, essentially ending his college football career. Was that a tough decision?

NS: No.

MIR: Why? Was the extent of his injury just too severe?

NS: I didn’t do it.

MIR: Didn’t do what?

NS: I didn’t put him on medical scholarship. Nobody did. I’m loyal to all my players. In fact, I’ve never heard of whoever it is you are talking about. What was his name?

MIR: Tyrone Prothro. You put out a statement about him. “Our staff is 99.9 percent sure that this is a long-term issue, and it would be unusual that a guy could ever come back.”

NS: No I didn’t. I never said that. Let me be clear about something. I’ve never even heard the words “Tyrone” and “Prothro” used in the same sentence. Ever. Now do you want to talk about Alabama football? Because if you don’t, this interview is over.

MIR: OK. Nick, you have a built-in rivalry in the SEC with your previous stint as head coach at LSU. Is that going to provide extra motivation going into that game on November third?

NS: No.

MIR: Really? No nostalgia? No sentimentality?

NS: No.

MIR: Even though you took them to a National Championship?

NS: No I didn’t.

MIR: You won the National Championship in 2003.

NS: No, I did not. I want you to listen up, and listen real good. I never coached at LSU. I’ve never even set foot in the state of Louisiana. I’m just a country boy from West Virginia.

MIR: Whooooo boy. OK. There was some controversy when you accepted the Alabama job. You played the family card when you left the Dolphins, basically implying that you didn’t want to leave Miami, but your wife did, in a pathetic attempt to deflect blame for lying about your interest in the Alabama job. Do you regret that now.

NS: No

MIR: No even a little?

NS: I’m not married.

MIR: Nick, you’ve been married to Terry for over 25 years.

NS: That’s a myth. Like the Holocaust.

MIR: Really?

NS: Yes, really. And the moon landing. And Hurricane Katrina.

MIR: You’re saying Hurricane Katrina is a myth?

NS: I never said that.

MIR: You just did.

NS: Did not. You’re just trying to bait me. Where’s your honor? Where’s your loyalty?

MIR What do honor and loyalty have to with this interview?

NS: You just don’t get it, do you? That’s the foundation of my coaching philosophy. Honor. Loyalty. Truth. I’ve been preaching that to my players here at Alabama all these years since the day I was given the job by Bear Bryant himself.

MIR: OK. Well have a good inaugural season at Alabama.

NS: I want you to get something straight. Look at me when I tell you this. Look at me! Open up your fucking ears, Chucky-boy! I have no interest in coaching at Alabama! None! Zero! Nada!

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Do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around

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