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Archive for the ‘Super Bowl’ Category

Fourth down and thirteen
You always kick the field goal
Nice call, Belichoke

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Tiger Woods, who overcame a four-shot deficit in Dubai and won with a birdie, birdie finish, took his winnings and his nine billion dollar appearance fee to the Dubai Airport and bought the world’s only super-sonic hovercraft. He is currently racing to the Phoenix area, where he will play all 72 holes of the FBR Open this afternoon, finishing ace, birdie, eagle, and winning the tournament by 17 strokes.

“I can’t let J.B. Holmes, or, God forbid, Mickelson win this storied tournament,” says Woods. “Plus, I owe it to the fans to make four holes-in-one on the sixteenth, as there haven’t been any since I started playing in Dubai.”

Woods has confirmed that he will be taking over as Giants quarterback at halftime of the Superbowl, allowing Eli Manning to spoon on the sidelines with Kenny Chesney. He may also spend some time shutting down Randy Moss on defense. Time constraints prevent Woods from arriving early enough to win the coin toss by seven and start in place of Manning.

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Memo

To: Tom Coughlin

From: Tiki Barber

Dear Coach,

I know you may have thought I left you in a little bit of a lurch when I retired so suddenly after last season, but to be quite honest with you I didn’t think the Giants were going anywhere. And I thought Eli wasn’t gonna be able to lead us anywhere near the promised land. And you’re a prick.

But can’t we just let bygones be bygones? You let Strahan take the whole preseason off while he strung you along about whether he wanted to come back or not. Then he showed up and had a helluva season for the G Men. And I’ve been keeping myself in a lot better shape than that gap-toothed sumbitch.

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I’m sure you can see why I didn’t want to play in that cold-ass weather up in Green Bay last week. Can you blame me? I thought your fuckin’ nose was going to fall off. It’s fine to be a tough offensive lineman and not wear sleeves, but you’re an old man. It’s not cool to show up at the postgame press conference with all your extremities turning black and a gaping hole in the middle of your face like some rich idiot adventurer who got separated from his sherpas on Everest.

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Smarten up, coach. You should learn to relax like me.

So can I play? If it’s ok with you, I might not make it until the second half. I have a date for some afternoon delight with Meredith Viera.

tikibarberdrruth.jpg I love it when she whispers to me in that fake Nazi accent.

Your friend,

Tiki

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Thanks for nothing Favre.  Good thing that the frigid weather in Green Bay is such a fucking advantage for your team.  After all, you wouldn’t want to lose a playoff game in Lambeau to Eli Fucking Manning.

Because that would just be embarrassing.   Especially when you are, say, a seven point favorite.

Time to retire yet?  Please, don’t let the Frozen Tundra hit you on the ass on the way out.

Now we have to wait two weeks for a Super Bowl featuring the nation’s most insufferable fan bases.  I look at this game the same way I look at the Israel-Palestinian conflict.   I have no dog in that fight.  Neither does anyone living outside the Northeast Corridor.

My only interest in this game now revolves around the possibility of Amanda Beard appearing in a Go Daddy ad during the game.

Daddy Likey

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