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Archive for the ‘tiger woods’ Category

Look, I’ve been gone nearly a year. I come back, and you sumbitches are still coming here by the hundreds. So let’s recap what’s happened.

Trevor Immelman won the Masters after they sucked all the roar-inducing charge possibilities out of the course. Tiger Woods beat Rocco Mediate with a broken leg. It’s predicted that if Rocco’s belt continues to rise, his pants will be over his head by the time he makes the senior tour. Somebody won the PGA, don’t make me look it up.

The Phillies won the World Series, which started sometime around December.

The Titans surprised everyone by picking some dude nobody had ever heard of named Chris Johnson in the first round. turns out the kid is pretty fast. The Titans also surprised everyone by having the best record in football. And they beat the Steelers and made them cry because their towels got dirty. Oh, but the Steelers did win the last game of the season. So there’s that with the rings and all.

Shaq got real busy on Twitter. So did Lance Armstrong.

Erin Andrews continued her reign as the top traffic driver for this site.
erin-andrews-sitting

Soccer still sucks.

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Officially golf season is upon us. Yeah, I know that the PGA Tour schedule started last month. Big fucking deal. Memo to PGA: When football is on, nobody gives a shit about golf. Go ahead and CC that to hockey and basketball while you’re at it. Come to think of it, nobody really gives a shit about either one of them regardless. Except during March Madness. Because gambling is good.

But I digress.

Typically, the first golf tourney after football is the AT&T Pebble Beach. As referenced here earlier, also known back in the day as the Crosby Clambake. I must also echo the sentiment that the word “celebrity” is being stretched to the limits of the definition.

Forget Dean Martin and Bing Crosby. I’d be happy if actual living celebrities showed up for this tournament. Face it, the only time this tourney lives up to the hype is when Bill Murray shows up. Clint Eastwood owns the joint and is too busy writing checks and putting up with the general ass pain of being the host. So he doesn’t get to play anymore. Get Sam Jackson or Vince Fucking Gill at least. Instead of generic no-name country star and actor who has been dead to me since this godawful career choice. And when, exactly, did Chris Berman become a celebrity? He’s a sports anchor. That rates somewhere between advertising sales executive and child molester on the Douchebag Scale. Besides, he’s a fucking crybaby. I’m sorry that’s not true. A FAT fucking crybaby. David Feherty is a bigger celeb and he’s actually COVERING the tournament.

The local and national media quickly run out of angles to cover at Pebble. Other than gratuitous shots of whales in Monterey Bay and important investigations into Who Dressed Costner Like A Dickhead, there isn’t a lot going on.

The San Jose paper brings up a good point, “Where are the chicks?”

The article specifically mentions Jessica Alba as a chick whose good with sticks. I’m sure they mean this Jessica Alba.

Less clothes!

This would really give the Clambake some sex appeal which it desperately needs. Especially if there’s a swimsuit competition.

That’s much better.

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Tiger Woods, who overcame a four-shot deficit in Dubai and won with a birdie, birdie finish, took his winnings and his nine billion dollar appearance fee to the Dubai Airport and bought the world’s only super-sonic hovercraft. He is currently racing to the Phoenix area, where he will play all 72 holes of the FBR Open this afternoon, finishing ace, birdie, eagle, and winning the tournament by 17 strokes.

“I can’t let J.B. Holmes, or, God forbid, Mickelson win this storied tournament,” says Woods. “Plus, I owe it to the fans to make four holes-in-one on the sixteenth, as there haven’t been any since I started playing in Dubai.”

Woods has confirmed that he will be taking over as Giants quarterback at halftime of the Superbowl, allowing Eli Manning to spoon on the sidelines with Kenny Chesney. He may also spend some time shutting down Randy Moss on defense. Time constraints prevent Woods from arriving early enough to win the coin toss by seven and start in place of Manning.

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Jim Brown isn’t happy that Tiger Woods isn’t bothered by the joke Kelly Tilghman made about lynching him on TV.

“He should have come out right away. Instead, he waited until it was politically correct [to comment],” Brown said. “

Let me ask you something there, Jimmy. Is it possible that the man, who is now in his 30s and worth about $600,000,000, might be able to speak for himself?

He’s married to this Swedish Nanny Model Twin:
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He lives here:
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This is his runabout:
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He was on Merv Griffin when he was three. He’s half Thai. He went to Stanford. Maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t feel oppressed.

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Nick Faldo made a joke on a golf broadcast last week that Tiger Woods is so dominant on tour that the other players want to beat him up. Kelly Tilghman responded to that obvious joke by Faldo that they wanted to take him in an alley and lynch him. Another obvious joke. Nobody noticed for several days. Then somebody did notice and asked Tiger Woods about it. He said it was an non-issue.

Dead issue, right?

Oh, no. Fat ass loudmouth Al Shaprton, who wouldn’t know who Kelly Tilghman was if he was fucking her, got aholt of it and is raising holy hell about it. So Kelly has apologized and  put on suspension from her job.

Why is Al so uptight about protecting the fragile sensibilities of Thai people?

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The big show is upon us. The inaugural FedEx Cup. The NASCAR rip-off that nobody understands. The one where if you win, you get a big check that you can’t cash for 20 years. The one where you earn a bunch of points all year then lose them then start over. The one where they cut the field down from tournament to tournament, so if you’re, say, 129th, you really got no shot. The one that Tiger is so psyched about that he’s given himself a first-round bye.

And on day one, the PGA’s ultimate wet dream has come true. The clubhouse leaders are (drumroll, please).

1. Brian Gay

2. Briney Baird
Heath Slocum
Jeff Maggart

That should fire up those TV ratings. At least Michelle Wie can’t piss all over this one.

Speaking of Michelle Wie, here’s a picture of Natalie Gulbis in a bikini.

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Tiger Woods is skipping the first tournament of the FedEx Cup. He says he’s too tired from winning the last two tournaments (Firestone and PGA) in a row. There was a caller on a local sports call-in show the other day who was all bent out of shape, because as the “face of the sport” he owed it to everyone to play.

To which I cry bullshit. He doesn’t owe anybody anything. He says he’s tired, but the real reason he’s skipping it, I suspect, is because he can. Let’s look at the FedEx Cup points standing from number one all the way down to number two:

1. Tiger Woods: 30,574
2. Vijay Singh: 19,129

Woods can, and will, win the FedEx cup without playing in the first tournament. I think another reason he’s not going is because of his family. I don’t care how rich you are, being a new dad is freaky. He’s still in that stage where you go in during naps just to make sure your kid is still breathing. He just wants to stay home. He’s Tiger Woods. He can do that.

Speaking of golf, here’s a picture of Natalie Gulbis in a bikini.

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