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Translation:

“Pardon me, cherished co-workers, could I ask that you remain motionless during the time that I am attempting to read my teleprompter whilst the camera is on. Thank you very much indeed.

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Jim Brown isn’t happy that Tiger Woods isn’t bothered by the joke Kelly Tilghman made about lynching him on TV.

“He should have come out right away. Instead, he waited until it was politically correct [to comment],” Brown said. “

Let me ask you something there, Jimmy. Is it possible that the man, who is now in his 30s and worth about $600,000,000, might be able to speak for himself?

He’s married to this Swedish Nanny Model Twin:
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He lives here:
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This is his runabout:
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He was on Merv Griffin when he was three. He’s half Thai. He went to Stanford. Maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t feel oppressed.

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MNF Team

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The grand old flagship of the NFL, Monday Night Football has been blindly trying to find its way back to the level it had back in the day. Frank Gifford, Dandy Don Meredith and Howard Cosell set the standard, which worked for years and made MNF an American institution. The straight man announcer (Gifford was a former player, but he was the straight man), the nutty former player and the obnoxious New York Jew. Watching the previous day’s highlights with Cosell’s commentary was a highlight of the week for me growing up.

Cosell left. O.J. Simpson came on long before he realized his dream of becoming a butcher. Fran Tarkenton tried before he took the gig slamming Cathy Lee Crosby backstage during taping of “That’s Incredible.” Dan Deirdorf spent a few years on MNF, sweating until the next commercial break so he could whip out his Marlboros and bitch about how much the game sucked to anyone who would listen. Dennis Miller flexed his cerebral muscles like Stephen Hawking smoking crack from a pipe held up to his trach tube by Pia Zodora while Carl Sagan ass-mastered him over the back of his personal hovercraft, babe. And on and on.

So now they’re back to the straight man the nutty ex-player and the obnoxious New York Jew. Straight man Mike Tirico,  is whiter than Pat Boone with the same out-of-place delivery Boone thrilled fans with on his headbanger tribute album, “In a Metal Mood.” Last year, Joe Theisman, the man who was arrogant enough at Notre Dame to change the pronunciation of his name from “Theesman” to “Thigh’s Man” to help his Heisman chances,  beat Tony Kornheiser down to a shell of himself. ESPN thought they hired the crazy, loud obnoxious Kornheiser from “Pardon the Interuption,” but what they got was Theisman’s lap dog bitch.  They thought they hired the next Cosell, but they got Joe Fucking Leiberman instead. I tried to see what Ron Jaworski would bring to the table last night, but I couldn’t get past the 3-hour interview with Jerry Rice, so I went to bed.

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