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Look, I’ve been gone nearly a year. I come back, and you sumbitches are still coming here by the hundreds. So let’s recap what’s happened.

Trevor Immelman won the Masters after they sucked all the roar-inducing charge possibilities out of the course. Tiger Woods beat Rocco Mediate with a broken leg. It’s predicted that if Rocco’s belt continues to rise, his pants will be over his head by the time he makes the senior tour. Somebody won the PGA, don’t make me look it up.

The Phillies won the World Series, which started sometime around December.

The Titans surprised everyone by picking some dude nobody had ever heard of named Chris Johnson in the first round. turns out the kid is pretty fast. The Titans also surprised everyone by having the best record in football. And they beat the Steelers and made them cry because their towels got dirty. Oh, but the Steelers did win the last game of the season. So there’s that with the rings and all.

Shaq got real busy on Twitter. So did Lance Armstrong.

Erin Andrews continued her reign as the top traffic driver for this site.
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Soccer still sucks.

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Former Oklahoma State hoopster and Chicago Bulls draft pick JamesOn Curry was arrested in Boise, Idaho on Thursday for public urination.

Hey, give a bruva a break!

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The man can’t help it that he has a rap sheet as long as his…

Besides, if you had a name like JamesOn, wouldn’t you want to write it in the snow?

But, dude, JamesOn? Was the caps lock key stuck at the hospital where you were born?  At least study your etymology a little bit.  Jameson=”Son of James.” Not “On James.”

That’s where Lebron’s girlfriend was.

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The Big Tease

Football starts today. Real football. Games that count. Let’s look at some schedule highlights:

Buffalo at Rutgers
Weber State at Boise State
Youngstown State at Ohio State
Florida International at Penn State
Western Kentucky at Florida
Western Michigan at West Virginia
Arkansas State at Texas
North Texas at Oklahoma
Idaho at USC

What a steaming pile of shit we have here, folks. How can the people putting the schedule together at “perrenial powerhouse” USC keep a straight face when they get off the phone with Idaho? Pussies.

Out of all one hundred and whatever division one teams, the only game with two ranked teams isTennessee at Cal. Rednecks v. Hippies. Meth lab v. Weed farm. Yeehaw v. Whatever, dude. Rocky Top v. Phish.

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You got a real pretty mouth, Smokey.

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Haiku Review

Apocalypto:

Better than I expected.

Mel’s still a dickhead.

Here’s a picture of some hot actress named Luna Maya.

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One of the not-so-veiled auditioners for Dan Patrick’s gig on ESPN Radio, Dan LeBatard was cohosting with Eric Kuselias yesterday. He expressed a lovely thought.

He said, “I wish I could watch sports through the eyes of a child again.”

Y’know, I think I’d like that to do that too.

Of course I’d probably get in trouble for sitting him in my lap and drilling holes through the back of his skull…

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Four Seconds

In four seconds we here at MIR can summarize our feelings towards soccer.

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